The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
„What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?“ said the officer.
„I’m going to a lecture.“ the man said.
„And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?“ the cop asked.
„My wife.“ said the man.

––
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. „Mam, is there a reason that you’re weaving all over the road“?
The woman replied, „Oh officer, thank goodness you’re here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!“
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, „Ma’am… that’s your air freshener.“

––
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
„Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beeeeemer!!!“, he whined.
„You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!“, retorted the officer. „You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!“
„Oh no!“, replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was.
„Where’s my Rolex?!“

––
A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn’t find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, „Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?“
The officer replied, „Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It’ll take you right there.“
She thanked the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.
The officer got out of his car and said, „Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?“
The blonde replied, „Don’t worry, officer, it won’t be long now. The 45th bus just went by!“